the reality...

OK, so really, at half past midnight, any normal existing human would be fast asleep! But not I, you see for the last few months, I have been struggling with my decision to return to work or stay at home and be an even fuller time Mama, because I think that all Mama's either working and being paid, or working, and not earning a pretty penny, are still full time. You know what I mean anyway, there is no real break from being Mama!!
This may shock and horrify you, but me decision to resign bought upon a very heavy heart.....
I had been working paid part time, throughout all of my babies. Not immediately, but before they were 2 years old, I had always returned to paid work on a part time basis....
This time, with my husbands job and shift work and 4 young children the logistics and the increasing cost of shoddy childcare were all seeming a little more than we could bare. Most women I am sure would be wrapped at the fact that they would not have to throw the glad rags on and head to the office, but not I.
Well I do not know what it is that is really bothering me. I am thinking that maybe in a way I am worried about losing the old me, the one who contributed to the household financially, who had a life outside these four walls, mind you they are lovely walls, but restrictive just the same. It's such a hard decision to make and one made by millions of Mama's all over the globe I am sure, but now the decision was with me.
I feel pressure to be there all the time by my children, and the washing that seems to be breeding in the laundry is always beckoning, and dinner will always be needing to be prepared, and someone will always need "sumfing to eat", and the floor will always be sticky, and the walls be decorated with tiny hand prints, and my job will be to make sure that the entire world will be OK, and cleaned, watered & fed. Well maybe not the whole world, but it sure can feel like it at times. I do like reading other peoples blogs, but most of them seem to be dreamy and whimsical, and make being a Mama, a never ending supply of wonderment and joy.... Do they really feel the same as me??? I think the reality is probably the same for almost everyone. Please don't think that I do not like being Mama Hick for one tiny minuscule second, cos' that's entirely not true, but when it came to giving up something that allowed me to be me, just me, I suddenly feel a little lost.
It's funny, well not ha ha ha funny, but as soon as I had actually resigned, I began rummaging through the craft box, and eyeing people's hard rubbish for the next awaiting project! I found two by the way, and creative inspiration is something I do have a little of. Well actually probably more like about 5 new projects, but I am sure there will be time for them soon enough. I also went mad listing things on eBay, even the kids were saying "Mummo" (of all names, I seem to be getting this more often than not, but we will chat about that in a minute) are you walking around looking for things to sell? To which I honestly should have replied "yes", but for the sake of not making them feel insecure, I told them "no darling, I have lost something". Dirty big fibber!!!
Is it just me?, see there I go again, feeling like the only soul on the planet, or do other Mama's feel like sometimes being a Mama is not enough? Before you dial the last digit to DHS, I am not wanting to get rid of the kidlets or anything like that, but I would like something that says "me", that's all, "me". I guess the next few weeks I will be soul searching, and looking for that "thing".
OK, so only my children, could turn Mama, which they have generally all called me for years, into "Mummo". I bet you did not even know that you could 'Boganise', the word Mum, but Al ey luh yah!!!! my darlings have.
So I guess the one good thing, cos' there is always one good thing, there just has to be, is the extra cash that I have earned off eBay. Patting my own back, cos' no other crazies are up at this hour, well at least I hope they all sleep soundly all night long.... all night long, all night, 'o' all night, cos everyone you meet is just dancing in the street, all night long...................
OH MY..... on that note, I must get my few hours in.. nighty night, sleepy tight... MWAH X