I will warn you in advance, that this post may appear random and possibly like I am teetering on the edge of God only knows what!! It may contain frequent course language & an I don't give a shit attitude. I will be writing from over here in the doldrums, but please don't ask me if I am OK, because I will almost certainly cry at you, on you, or any other two word sentence, ending in you...
I know that being a Mother is meant to be magical & the most amazing thing I will ever experience in my life, but for the last 24 hours, I am wishing magic would just take them to the park for ohhhhhh let me see, a week!!!! Yes I love my children & they are my everything, but....... (oh good lord strap on your seat belts cos' I am off....) And there will be exclamation marks!!!!!!
I would like to wake up to silence in my own good time, 6am is not my own good time!!! I do not want to hear the baby crying, or the older kids yelling and fighting over nothing!! I actually don't even care who started it first, because it takes two to tango, and quite possibly you are actually a gay la-la!!!!
I have not a care that you are hungry and you would like me to cook you pancakes, make your own food, it's about time you learnt!! You are never be too young to try.....
"What's that", oh you've done a poo!!! Well that's fucken brilliant!! The kid has done a poo, let's all celebrate!! You see that white stuff called paper..... Well wipe your own bum, because I already know how!! *insert poker face tongue hanging out here* Oh and if you are too lazy to wash your hands and you get sick, well don't say I didn't warn you!!
Did you know that 1/2 litre of milk into a bowl of ummmm 60gm of cereal is excessive!!! "What's that again", Ohhhhh you have managed to spill it on the floor (1 millionth time this year but who's counting dickhead!!) Oh never mind, you now have about the right ratio in your bowl... and besides you love to clean, I can tell by the state of your room!!
Your bowl does not magically bring itself to the sink, just like you do not magically disappear to the park for a week!
It really is not that hard to get dressed when you have a School uniform hanging in your wardrobe just waiting to be put on your body, but somehow an hour goes by and I can still see your bum!!!! One sock is not a pair, so put the other one on your fucking foot before I ram it down your throat!!! Yes you need jocks, and turning your socks inside out because they are your favourite is not acceptable hygiene!!!
I understand the baby is crying, what's frickin new, he needs me!!!
Close the toilet door, babies and toilets DO NOT MIX, neither do bathrooms, laundries, pantries or rubbish bins!!! If you do not want "the stupid baby" in your room, YOU close the door, "you stupid kid!!!!"
Throwing yourself at my feet in a tantrum makes me think twice about stepping on you, it does not make me feel sorry for you...
I do not want to play the DS, it is annoying, and one would have thought, that the amount of time you spend on it, you would know how to charge it, get onto Mario Kart & find the right track!!!!!!!
I know your hungry, whats new??????
"A drink" I here you say, well there is the bloody tap!!!
Dirty clothes look great in the laundry, not all over your room!
Yes there are days I breath a sigh of relief when you exit the car to School...
Yes there are days I breath a sigh of relief when you exit the car to Kinder...
No!! Grunting is not human speak, and I have no idea what you want when you do it, in fact it irritates me!!
Just in case you were deluded..... I DO NOT LOVE cleaning up your mess, washing clothes, vacuuming, washing dishes, packing & unpacking the dishwasher & all the things I do to make our home a tidy, hygienic space!
No, I am not keeping a logbook & attempting to get my licence again, so driving you here, there and everywhere is of no benefit to me!!
Oh, "I don't care", is that right???, well how about you just shove off then!!!!!
Clothing, Schooling, Toys, Dancing, Basketball, Swimming Lessons etc etc etc are not free! That tree out the back is called a Gum tree not money tree!
If it ain't broke, I will not be fixing it & definitely not replacing it, so stop asking!!
When I have slaved over the stove, and serve you up a deliciously nutritious meal, only to have you say, without even trying a mouthful mind you, "that's disgusting!!!", I expect you to the the whole fucking lot!!!! Well the next time you make something for me that you are proud of, I might just try saying "well that's just crap!!" "Is that the best your small hands could do???", "never mind there is always next time in art!" "Oh look, you got some spelling mistakes, "well who's a dumb dumb"..... Yeah don't think you would like that my friend!!
Yes I love it when you go to sleep, because it's quiet...
And just for the record, I do eat chocolate & sweets (may even attempt the whole block tonight) when you go to bed!! Ha ha there I said it, so now you know!!
Yes I love my children, they are my everything, my consuming passion it seems!
Swearing is not for you to do, it is my prerogative only, do as I say, not as I do!!
Cheers to motherhood!! and I am only Cheersing so that I have a valid excuse to raise a very full glass, of something very strong!
Oh and just one more for the record..... just because I give one child something, does not mean that I love them more, and should not evoke an enormous uproar!! If I gave him poo, you would fight over that I am certain!!
Have you ever stopped and pondered? Well I guess it's a given that you haven't stopped, because if your a parent, there is no stopping!! But when we recently built our home, my darling husband asked me what my perfect room would consist of.. I proceeded, white!! I would have white walls, white sofa, white furniture & there would be complete silence... He laughed "Geeze Rob, you just described a padded cell!!!"
So I have decided to resign from my current position in the house as Mama, I have tried it, and have decided that I am just not cut out for the job!! Anyone interested? No please, don't rush....
Well here's to my unemployment or retirement & insanity!!
Please feel free to leave a comment or tell me how your day is??? I may or may not give a shit!!